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Today marks a day of saddness for the nation. Everyone who has a heart feels the pain of those lost 8 years ago today. But for me, it’s different.
Tomorrow will mark the 8 year anniversary of a devastating loss for me. On september 12th, 2000, I lost a 14.5 week pregnancy. There was no warning, no red flags, and it was a healthy pregnancy.
I have a history of miscarriages, but never anything remotely close to this far along. One was at 6 weeks between my two oldest children, and then two after. The first two were at 5 and 6 weeks. Barely enough time to get used to being pregnant. I only knew about them for a week. This last one I was already showing, we had started talking about names, I was bonding. I could feel him move.
Another part of my trauma was that I didnt have insurance, so…fearing another medical bill I couldnt afford, I panicked when I realized they wanted to rip this baby’s body out of mine. In more ways than one that was stressful on me. I left the ER and went home and went into labor. I freaked when my water broke because I had never experienced that before. It was always broke for me.
My son was born on my toilet into a cup. *tears* I did get to hold him and I kissed his tiny head.
He was so tiny. Hands and feet perfectly formed. A big head like his daddy’s. Eyes were closed. He was as white as bed sheets though. I remember that more than anything.
I didnt stop bleeding (my family has a history of that) so again I panicked. We went back to the ER and they stopped it and took my son from me. Still in the cup.
Life throws you curve balls. You just have to pick yourself up and move on.
I will never forget that day. Its burned into my mind for the rest of my life. BUT…I consider myself lucky that I got to meet my son and he was born with respect and love rather than a harsh surgery that would have ravaged my body and I never would have had the chance to meet him.
I had two boys after him. I consider myself lucky that 4 out of 7 pregnancies were born into perfect children. And even though one may have cerebral palsy…he’s perfect the way he is. I wouldn’t change him if I could.
All in all…we need to look at the blessings we have in our lives because, well, we’re alive. That alone is a gift that God gives us ever day. If you have your hearing, your sight, the use of your limbs…thank God for that because it’s not something we should just take for granted. I know plenty of people that would love to have half as much as we do.
My motto: No matter how bad you think your life is at this moment…there’s always someone that has it worse than you do. So be thankful for what you have.
